By Lisa Jain Thompson
© December 1998, Revised 2007

 

 

And it came to pass that during the solstice festival, before the Saturnalia had reached its height of gaudy depravity, that a Warrior Princess and her companion, an Amazon Bard of not some literary skill, came into the city on the shores of the Aegean called Mytilini, on Nisos Lesvos.  What passed for a mountain, Ayios Ilias, was barely tall enough to be peaked with snow, but Gabrielle shivered at the very distinct possibility that Xena might have it in her head to climb to the top.

 

The city, even in the early stages of the annual festival, was filled with tourists, making it unlikely that the two women would be able to find a room and hot bath for the night.  Still they approached the Wild Boar Inn, entered, and chose a table -- at least they had a place to sit down and have a warm dinner, more importantly a dinner made by someone else and, Gabrielle thought, I won't have to do the dishes while Xena pretends to be sharpening her sword again.

 

A middle age woman approached them, smiled, and then spoke:

 

"Hi, my name is Messalina, I'm going to serve you tonight."

 

Xena glared at the woman and then whispered to the bard, "Why is she so furking friendly?  What's her problem, anyway?  You don't think she is another poet girl groupie, do you?   I don't have to fight her off, do I?  I'm really getting tired of your fans, Gabrielle."

 

Gabrielle, smiled, "Don't get your knickers in a twist, Xena.  She's paid to be friendly.  I think it will become quite popular in the future.  Don't you like it?"
 
"No," Xena scowled, I'd rather skewer her than listen to her."

 

Gabrielle turned back to Messalina.  "May we have a menu?"

 

"No need, Ma'am,  I've got it memorized.  Let me start at the top.  We have appetizers, main courses, salads, and deserts, along with an assortment of ..."

 

Xena cut her off impatiently.  "I don't think we have time for the whole list.  What would you recommend, Messalina?"

 

Messalina smiled wider and continued enthusiastically,   "The special of the day is fresh Portabella Mushrooms, sauteed in virgin olive oil from our own groves with garlic sprouts and sprinkled with fresh goat cheese from our herds on Ayios Ilias."

 

Shaking her head, the Warrior Princess muttered "No mushrooms, Messalina, I've heard rumors that they are unsafe," then flicked her raven hair back out of her face.

 

"I've chosen these mushrooms myself, Ma'am, hand picked them.  I assure you they are safe.  But if you would prefer something else, may I recommend the petite calamari, breaded and deep fried, and served on a bed of whole grained wheat which has been molded into gossamer strands, then bathed in hot springs until tender and coated with a secret sauce imported especially for our use."

 

Gabrielle turned to the Warrior Princess "What's a calamari, Xena?"

 

"Some kind of fish I think.  Not sure."  Xena turned back to Messalina. "What else do you have?"
 
Frowning, Messalina mumbled.  "Falafel"

 

"What?"  It was Gabrielle's turn to stare.

 

"Falafel,"  louder, "We have falafel.  Fried, baked, ground, and molded.  We have falafel."

 

Disgusted, Xena snarled.  "Bring us some bread, Messalina, and some cheese.  A pitcher of ale for the two of us.  And a key to a room."

 

"We don't have a r..."
 
"A room," firmly, "and a hot tub for a bath.  You have problems with that?" Xena placed her chakram on the table.

 

"No Ma'am. No problem at all  Bread, Cheese, Ale, a room and a bath.  Coming right up."

 

"And quit calling me Ma'am.  Do I look like a Ma'am to you?"

 

"No Mistress."

 

As Gabrielle dissolved into helpless giggles, Xena shouted "I'm not anyone's Mistress!"

 

Gasping for air, Gabrielle whispered "You don't think all the leather you wear has anything to do with it do you, Xena? I mean ..."

 

Xena's eyes narrowed and Gabrielle, having all she could do to keep from laughing even louder, stared intently at the table until the food came.

 

 

 

 

 

"The next time you demand a room, Xena, perhaps you should be a little more specific on our expectations."

 

"The bath was hot.  They got that right at least."

 

"The bath water was brown, Xena, or did you think all that dirt came off me?"

 

"No worse than any of the lakes we have bathed in and you never seemed to mind the fish swimming between your legs."

 

"You and I both know that wasn't a fish, Xena."

 

"And that wasn't a bar of soap tonight, either was it?."

 

"I was hunting for the soap."

 

"Using only one or two fingers?"

 

Gabrielle flushed, stammered, and, changing the subject, pointed at the dilapidated bed.  "Are we really going to sleep in that?"

 

The corner of Xena's mouth turned up in smile. "Would you prefer having the floor at your back, Gabrielle?"

 

"I, ah..."

 

"I didn't think so."  The Warrior Princess broke briefly into a full smile before catching herself and growing more serious. "Did you get what I told you to get from the market this morning?"

 

"I think so, but I got an awfully lot of strange looks.  They kept trying to sell me small cooking brushes and I kept having to repeat myself. 'No, a turkey baster!  It's sort of long with a small opening at one end and ball at the other.'  I don't want to tell you what they ALL wanted to show me then --- I never realized how many different shapes they came in!"

 

"Did you get the turkey baster, Gabrielle?"

 

"Yes.  Finally."  Gabrielle reached into her bag, withdrew the turkey baster, and handed it to Xena.  "What do you want it for anyway, Xena?"

 

Using the examination of the baster as an excuse, Xena took her time before answering.  "You know that I have had visions of our crucifixion."

 

"You know I do, Xena, and you know that I have laid awake listening to your nightmares."
 
"And you know that I have wanted to atone for my past, Gabrielle.  At first I thought I might take the suffering of the world on my shoulders -- all the pain and all the heartbreak -- and, in doing that, I thought I might be able to free myself from the darkness inside me."

 

"I know that."

 

"But now I think I may have gotten it wrong.  I may not be the one who ultimately frees the world from darkness.  I may only be the one who gives birth to him."

 

"But ... You aren't ....  Xena!  I mean you haven't been with a man for years, at least not that you've told me."  A worried look crossed Gabrielle's face.

 

"No,  I'm not with child.  Not yet.  And I don't intend to be with a man."

 

"Then how ....?"

 

"That's where the turkey baster comes in, Gabrielle."

 

Gabrielle looked puzzled, suddenly silent and not a little confused.

 

"I've talked to Ares ..."
 
"He's not going to be the father, is he?  I won't stand for that."

 

"Calm down, babe.  He's not going to be the father.  I told him what my plan was and he agreed to help, however, to make sure that the darkness does not swallow the world and take Olympus with it."

 

"And ...?"
 
"As far as the world will know, the child will be ours, Gabrielle.   Aries has delivered me a portion of Marcus's life force.  I have it here in my gear." 

 

Xena turned to her bags and withdrew a small vial.  "I should be fertile for the next few days and what I want you to do is to draw Marcus's life force into the turkey baster when I tell you."

 

A look of disbelief passed over Gabrielle's face. "You mean you want me to ...  You're going to take .... " Gabrielle shook her head.  "Won't that hurt?"

 

"Not if you give me the proper attention before hand.  As long as we take our time --- and I know you like to take my time --- and you do what needs to be done ..."

 

"You mean you want me to make you wet.  Thought I did that anyway."

 

"You do, darlin', but I need to be really wet before I can take Marcus's life force within me."

 

"If you had told me, Xena, I could have found a smaller baster."

 

Xena smiled.  "This one will be fine.  I'm not exactly a virgin, you know, I'm just out of practice."

 

"Don't remind me.  Your name is still scratched on trees all around the Mediterranean."

 

"My reputation is more exciting than my actual life, Gabrielle. You know that.  Anyway, after you have made me properly wet -- perhaps after an orgasm or two on both of our parts --  I will want you to take Marcus's life force into the baster and then I want you to slip the baster into me as far as I can take it."

 

"And then ...?"

 

"I want you to squeeze the ball and fill me with the life force."

 

"I don't know if I want to do this, Xena."

 

"Look at the bright side," Xena laughed, "You're always complaining that you want to be the top for the change ..."

 

"And this time I get to be one so that you don't lose any life force."

 

"You got it, Babe, I'm going to be on my back the rest of the night."

 

"Perhaps I should tie you down to make sure, Xena.  That would ensure you didn't forget and it certainly would be different for a change."  Gabrielle smiled evilly. And perhaps once I got you properly secured in position, I could find an artist who will be willing to sketch a portrait of the Warrior Princess for posterity."

 

Xena stared nervously at her companion, unable to determine how serious she might be.

 

"Don't worry, I wouldn't do anything that would harm your precious public person, darling.  I need the Warrior Princess as much as you do.  Now take off your chemise and let's get started, shall we?  We have a long night ahead."

 

As Xena removed her chemise, Gabrielle approached her from behind and began to kiss the Warrior Princess's neck.  Tasting Xena's sweetness, the poet gently bit into the soft flesh where the neck meets the shoulders' slope and her hand slipped over Xena's taut belly as her fingers touched the warm wet flesh that lay beneath.